Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in heykatiexcore's LiveJournal:

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Saturday, July 4th, 2009
3:59 am	I'm an idiot, and the worst kind of masochist. Will I ever be able to sleep again without seeing his face? (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, June 19th, 2009
3:49 pm	I had the most ridiculously horrible dream last night. I was having a panic attack and I called Joe because I didn't want to be alone and nobody else was answering. He didn't pick up, so I drove to his house. His mom answered the door and told me he was in his room. When I walked in, he was having sex with some girl, so I slapped him and told him that he was a piece of shit and that I never wanted to see him again. We got into a screaming match and he told me that he never loved me, and the only reason he even said it to begin with was so that I'd sleep with him, and that it wasn't his fault I couldn't get over him. I think my subconscious melded all of my fears into one nightmare. I woke up crying. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, June 16th, 2009
4:08 am	This could be the absolute loneliest I've ever felt in my life. I don't want to be alone right now. Who's going to rub my back when I wake up crying? (Comment on this)
Saturday, March 28th, 2009
9:21 pm	This is long overdue, and I've been avoiding it, but the accident has been brewing just below the surface of my thoughts for the past week and I need to get some stuff out. I've joked about having near death experiences many times in my life, but until last week never have I seriously said to myself, "I am going to die right now." It wasn't in slow motion. I didn't see my life flash before my eyes. My vision didn't get blurred. I didn't cry. I didn't see any white light. But just before we collided, a slew of thoughts overwhelmed all of my fear. For a split second it was no longer, "The wheels of this semi are going to be the last thing I lay my eyes on." It became, "I haven't seen my dad since Christmas. I don't call my mom enough. I'm never going to get to tell Joe how happy he's made me and how wonderful he is. I've never gotten to hug Rachel. I don't tell my friends that I love and appreciate their presence in my life every single day." I honestly don't think this experience has changed Devon at all. He still thinks that he's invincible and that he can do whatever he wants without consequence. Afterwards, he started bitching about how expensive his underglow was and how he had just gotten his windows tinted and new rear lights. I wanted to grab him and scream in his face that they should be wiping us off his seats with a Clorox wipe and here he was complaining about the superficial damage to his car. That night he and Ryan were joking about how if this was Final Destination, I would be the first to die so they weren't going to worry about it until I kicked the bucket. I don't know. I guess it's just aggravating when you share a near-death, life-changing experience with someone and it doesn't seem to affect them at all. (Comment on this)
Thursday, February 26th, 2009
11:51 am	Last night was a mindfuck. I finally realized that I've been suppressing certain feelings because I wasn't equipped to feel so strongly about two individuals at one time. Especially because I was so dead-set on attaining one of them that I was too blind to see the other, who was patiently waiting to pick up the pieces when boy numero uno left me broken. And pick up the pieces he did, in all the right ways. Why didn't I see it before? Why didn't I listen to Bailey and Kayla and Anthony sooner? Why didn't I see him standing right there the whole time? I probably would've saved myself a few months of heartbreak and Ryan a shitton of gas if I had just given Joe the chance he deserved from the start. When a boy is driving a stick shift, but won't even let go of your hand to shift gears...now that's some cute shit, bro. I've some scores to settle. I'm going to have a few very pissed off people on my hands in a very short amount of time. Bring on the drama. Dear Lord, please don't let me fuck this up, not to mention myself and a few friendships in the process. kthnxbai. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, January 28th, 2009
9:39 am	I feel like my efforts are futile. In every aspect of my life. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, January 12th, 2009
2:13 am	I stayed the night at his house last night. I had one of those 'too hazy to be real, but too vivid to be a dream' moments this morning. I rolled over, saw that it was light out, looked at Ryan, saw that he was asleep, rolled back over and closed my eyes. Right then, his dad knocked and came in. I kept my eyes shut. He woke Ryan up and said, "She stayed the night again?" Ryan said yeah, and his dad said, "Have you talked to her?" "No, not yet." "Well why not?" "Because I'm an idiot." "Son, you need to do that. She won't wait forever." "I know." "Get some more sleep, I need you to help me with some stuff this afternoon." Then he left and I fell back asleep. We got up a few hours later and his dad came in and told Ryan to stick around because they had to go to the old house to pick up the washer and dryer and he couldn't do it on his own. I can't decide if it was real or an insane coincidence. I'm trying to convince myself it actually was just a dream because that would be far less confusing than if it was real. His friend from Tennessee moved to Orlando a few years ago and he hasn't seen him since. This weekend is his birthday, so we're going down to spend the weekend with him. I thought there were going to be a group of us, but it's just me and him. So basically, it's like we're dating but without all the awesome benefits. =/ (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, January 11th, 2009
5:00 pm	Ryan's dad and I were talking about how I want to manage but I have no industry experience yet, and he wants to hire me to book shows for his band so help me get started. <3 (Comment on this)
Saturday, January 3rd, 2009
4:01 am	I never want to ruin those perfect nights so I always wait until to very last second and by then it's too late. (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, December 26th, 2008
11:43 am	This not having internet at my house thing is not even flying. So, my mom got me a new guitar for Christmas because Damon went Hulk on mine. I cried when she carried it out of her room. She never ceases to amaze me. I'm a selfish brat 90% of the time and she continues to give out of the goodness of her heart. How does she manage to keep loving me? Going to Gainesville tonight to hang out with Ryan and the cutest couple imaginable. No clubs because they're all closed. Probably movie night at Jackie's. Stoked. I want to be back in my town right this second. I love Ocala in small doses and I've been here for far too long. Bailey, Ashley, and Nina all need to just move to Gainesville so I don't even have to come back. So torn. Ryan said he might be having a New Years party and if he does, he wants me to come. However, I've already committed to the V.V. house party/show. I don't want Ryan to think I don't want to hang out with him, but I've already made plans with people I've been friends with for a lot longer. I think I pretty much decided that I'm going to the V.V. thing. Hopefully his parents won't have the party so that this isn't even an issue. PS. Getting my hairs did by a tiny AZN this afternoon...while playing Rockband. Well, I will be, not her. (Comment on this)
Thursday, September 11th, 2008
12:24 am	I'm sorry, Ashley!! The entire entry is dedicated to you. I haven't updated since Saturday, so I have to backtrack my life and figure out what's happened since then. You need a little bit of background for this first anecdote. On Tuesday and Thursday, Kayla and I have a 45 minute gap where we usually just sit at the food court and bullshit until we have to go to our next class. We were recently joined by our friend, Chris, who we met through Kayla's cousin. I actually worked up the nerve to ask Mike if he wanted to just sit and chill with us, and he was all about it. Kayla approves, and we all know that she is an astounding judge of character. His second favorite movie of all time is The Princess Bride. Yeah. So, I called Bailey like 4,859,475 times today to wish her a happy birthday and she did not answer! I would have left you a comment or something, but I wasn't home all day. I hope your day was wonderful. <333 Kayla and I are having a party on Friday night for the sole purpose of pissing of the vampire. She told us that we could have weekends, so goddamnit, we're gonna take our weekends. You all are more than welcome to attend, but there are going to be a bunch of people staying over, so you'll have to bring blankets and pillows and find room on the floor. If you have air mattresses, it would be a really good idea to bring them. SO stoked on Real Big Deal this weekend. Half of my favorite twins asked me to help him pass out flyers at the gate Saturday morning, so I get to wake up at the butt crack of dawn (I exaggerate. It's actually more like 9) and meet up with him...which I'm not complaining about. Tonight I helped Taylor shoot a movie for his film class. It was about Charles Manson. =] I made a new friend today. His name is John Adley. We have English together, and after class he played me Iris, I'll Be, and Wonderwall on his guitar while we waited for the rain to stop so I could get to Kayla's car. I guess he wants to be study partners or something because he's English stupid and I'm not. Not even gonna lie, he's a very attractive young man. I'm dragging things out simply for Ashley's sake, but this week has been pretty low-key. I've been super busy with school and stuff, but nothing really spectacular has happened. ps. Mr.Thomas is the cutest professor ever. He's all awkward and adorable and his hands tremble when he gives lectures. It's funny. (Comment on this)
Saturday, September 6th, 2008
2:11 am	I'll be your alibi, we can shake these city streets up tonight. I love this town. So much. I've made some really bad decisions in my life, but this one was by far the smartest. I'm going to school, loving my classes, doing what I want to do with my life. I left all of the unnecessary drama and bullshit behind, and I can focus on whats ahead of me. Tomorrow night will be my fourth show in 6 days. I really do thrive on live music. Every time I hang out with a band after a show all I can think about is, "One day I'm going to get paid to do this. I'm going to get paid to spend all of my time with these amazing people." I'm honestly considering staying here and being a GatorTraitor after two years. I've been here for less than three weeks and I'm already so in love with this place that it literally pains me to think about leaving it behind. Ocala was stagnant and stifling and I had been itching to get out for a long time, but everything about this place just feels right. I've never felt so at home before, and it's not something I ever want to let go of. ps. Reason 1,594,587 Ocala sucks: no ska shows. I missed The Sense Offenders and Chupaskabra a ridiculous amount. Tonight was wonderfully needed. Fuck hardcore shows. Give me some horns and I'm all up in that shit. pps. Peanut-butter and honey sandwiches will forever more be known as Hug Sandwiches. Why? Because its the most comforting fucking sandwich you'll ever eat in your life. It's like a hug in your mouth. Duh. (Comment on this)
Thursday, September 4th, 2008
3:41 am	I had a Joe Lo night. Real update tomorrow. I promise. <3 that boy. So much. Maybe I'll invite him to Kayla's sister's wedding, haha. Oh, she's not requiring me to have a date anymore because she broke up with Nathan, but i can still bring someone if I want to. I need to go to sleep. Niiiiiiiiiiight. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, September 3rd, 2008
12:03 pm	I got a Mr.Godwin Facebook message!! He was basically telling me that I'm a grown woman now and that I'm in charge of my own life, and that it's this crucial time that I decide how things are going to go for the rest of my life. I've heard a million times before from a million different people, but from him it feels more sincere. Maybe it's just because he's so young and he's been there not long ago, but it feels like he actually knows what he's talking about and like he actually cares what happens to me, like he's not just saying it to hear the words come out of his mouth. I really do miss Mr.Godwin. He was such a big inspiration to me throughout my senior year. One of the things I detest about high school is that even if you're 18, the teachers treat you like you're the child, they're the adult, which automatically makes them indisputably right. There is absolutely no room for improvement, and they would die of shock if a student happened to know something that they didn't. Mr. Godwin was exactly the opposite. He frequently told us that he was learning as much from us as we were learning from him. He felt more like a mentor than an instructor. Like a more knowledgeable peer who guided us rather than trying to force us. That's how school is supposed to be. Until him, I had never gotten along with an English teacher. Ever. He also told me about Maude's which is this really cool coffee shop over by the Hippodrome, the theatre professor I should take, and this really cool local play write who puts on awesome shows. Oh, and he's living in Albany, Ca, which is "a cool place with great white sharks and awesome coffee." In completely unrelated news, the cute boy in my Constitutional Law class, whose name is Mike, walked me to class again. We had a super romantic conversation about The Green Mile, electric chairs, and capitol crimes. Kayla says my first assignment is to invite him to Jenn's party on Saturday night. =/ He's insanely smart, and I feel so intimidated, which is really rare for me. Maybe it's because I didn't grow a self-esteem until about Junior year, and I'm now a freshman again. Damn. Kayla and I have started working out at the clubhouse in the mornings. I don't think I look any different, but Sara punched me in the stomach the other night and said I looked like I was losing weight, so I don't know. I definitely feel much better than I did. I need to start skating again, too, but I don't know of any outdoor tracks like Greenway that I could go to. I guess I'll have to ask around. Class in a few hours. I think I'm gonna go swimming and then take a shower. You know, for the first time in my whole life, I feel like I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be, doing exactly what I'm supposed to be doing. Nothing has ever felt so right before. ps. I just ate the most satisfying pear I've ever tasted. It was my roommate's and I ate it just to spite her. =] (Comment on this)
Tuesday, September 2nd, 2008
9:57 am	Last night was so amazing. I didnt realize just how much I missed Ocala until I was back in the thick of it. I almost cried when I saw James. I literally jumped on him, and when he tried to stop hugging me I said, "Not yet. One more minute." I freaked out when I saw Will, too. I missed them so much. I'm so glad to I got see Hannah and Brandy!!! I just miss The Capitol in general, mostly because if the company. I saw Kristopher last night for like 20 minutes. He seems to genuinely miss me, which is nice to know. As much as he aggravates me, I really do miss him, too. Kyle was being an asshole, as per usual. It shouldn't have surprised me, but it did. I can literally count the Ocalians that I regret moving away from on my two hands. As sad as it is to realize that most of my friendships over the years have been nothing more than fillers, its good to finally know who really matters. I didn't get to see Laura at all. I called Rocky's phone when I got into town, but he never answered. =[ So, this thing with Daniel is getting complicated. Well, more so than it was before. I feel like he really wants something more than friendship, but I'm not feeling it. He's really funny, and sweet, and he's great to converse with, but thats all. There's nothing there. He's been hanging out with me and Kayla a lot, and I think he asked her to 'talk to me' for him. =/ I feel bad because I know that we're like the only people he knows in Gainesville, other than his roommate, but it really is starting to make me feel uncomfortable. Fuck. p.s. Bobby still loves me, haha. He yelled at me when I told him that I wasn't coming to the Orlando show tonight because I live in Gainesville, and he made me promise that I'd come on the 21st at 1982. He said hes gonna try to kill my roommate and force me to let them stay with us. [I was telling him and Sara what a bitch she is when we were outside.] Does anyone know what happened to his face? p.p.s. Jordan IMed me last night. I told him I was going to sleep because I had class in the morning[lie], and he said he needed to talk to me later. =/ (5 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, August 31st, 2008
1:27 pm	I'm home!! This weekend was great, and it's not even over yet. I spent a really nice night in Ocala with Devon and my old crew...with the exception of drunk-bitch Angela. That's her name. And I decided that Vinny is my favorite Puleo. Saturday was spent in Cocoa with my family and Kayla. I got pink, but I don't hurt, so it's all good. We went to dinner at Beef O-Brady's, which rocked because I fucking hate sports bars. Going to see Dad play at Barbazon's is one thing, actually trying to find dinner at one is quite another. We got this Queso stuff for everyone to share. The waitress assured me there was no meat in it. Lies, I say. I took a bite of beef that made my stomach churn. I haven't had a meat accident in almost a year, and it was horrible. We had to leave at the butt crack of dawn this morning so we could swing back through Ocala to pick up some stuff and make it back to Gainesville by 12:30 because Kayla had to be at work. Now I'm home, Kayla is at work, my bitchy roommate is making a fucking racket in the kitchen, and I want to tell her to keep it down just to be an asshole. I think I'm hanging out with Arami and Taylor tonight, and Devon is making me go to the Paddock Park show with him on Monday, so I better see everyone at The Capitol. ps. Kayla says she's making me get a date for her sister's wedding, and she double-dared me to ask this guy in my Constitutional Law class, so I have 3 weeks to make him fall in love with me. Or at least like me enough to spend a weekend at St.George Island with me and my melodramatic best friend. I'll let you know how it progresses. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, August 26th, 2008
10:14 pm	I just got yelled at, so this is for Meegs. <3 :sigh: Gainesville is wonderful. I love it here. Living with Kayla is just as great as I thought it would be, but our other roommate is totally a bitch. She goes to bed at like 9:30 every night and she constantly yells at us to be quiet. She confines herself to her room. She won't even eat with us. I can't tell you how many times I've made lunch or dinner and gone to tell her she's more than welcome to eat with us [she's one of those people that writes her name on her food and freaks if we even move it in the fridge. She has her own little section.] and she'll come out, get a plate, and take it to her room. I think she's a vampire, and not a cool one like Edward. I feel like every time she talks to me [which has been twice in the past 6 days] she's forcing herself to be nice. It just sucks that we're all stuck living together for a year. I really like all of my professors. My Humanities teacher is really awkward and adorable, but you can tell he loves what he teaches. My history teacher reminds me oddly of Mr.Dunn, whom I love and miss dearly. I think my English teacher is actually a man, but she claims her name is Sarah. I think my Constitutional Law class is really the only one that poses a challenge, but I knew that going into it. My teacher seems really nice and easy to work with, but you can tell that he expects a lot from his students. I had my first experience with public transportation, and Jenn made me get lost. Dummy. She told me that she had our bus schedule all planned out, and that she knew where I had to go. Lies. I got out of class at 4:45 and I got home at like 8. It was ridiculous, but a good learning experience. Don't trust Jennifer with bus routes. I'm currently trying to get a job at Skate Station with Taylor. If I do end up getting it, it would be so much fun. Working at a skating rink/arcade. With Taylor. You can't beat that. Plus I'd be a floor guard, which is perfect for me. Oh, and my textbooks are $450. Ridiculous. Sean Galloway is in my history class, haha. I swear, that boy will be what keeps me coming to class every day. (7 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, August 17th, 2008
8:16 am	All I can keep thinking is, "Please don't be about me. Please don't be about me. Please don't be about me." ( Read more... ) I'm an idiot. I always go after guys that are assholes and will hurt me, but when I have a really great one that I know will treat me right, I push him away. I did it with Trevor, I'm doing it with Daniel. I'm fucking stupid. I used to think I was a douchebag magnet, but now I realize that it really is my fault. I did that thing that I hate. I did that thing that I swore I'd never do. That thing I had never done until last weekend. And I got what I deserved from it. Strep fucking throat. But on the other hand, I can't talk myself into being with someone I'm not 100% interested in. I know that I'd end up growing sick of pretending to feel about them the way they felt about me, and I'd hurt them worse than if it had just never happened to begin with. I need to be kept away from all males except for Devon because he's gay anyway. Stoked on moving. Stoked on a new beginning. A fresh start. I'm packing my whole life into tupperware bins and cardboard boxes. It's a weird feeling. In completely unrelated but also fucked up news, Jordan and I have officially made amends and are going to try the whole 'friendship' thing again. I don't know how well this will work out, but if I know either of us, it'll end in a shouting match and will eventually come full circle again. I can't wait for my life to start anew. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, August 11th, 2008
10:43 am	why do i always give my all to people who refuse to give me anything? because thats how ive always been. its sucked, but its something i've gotten used to over the years. it just really hurts when its your own family. my sister and i got into one of our famous blowouts. she never lets me down when it comes to letting me down. shes the one person i know that knows exactly what to say to hurt me. she knows exactly what words to string together to hit me below the belt and send me into a fit of tears. then she does this really cute thing where she waits 5 minutes, then tries to tell me that she's sorry and she didnt mean it. for 18 years i've been putting up with her bullshit, but i told her i didnt want to hear her fakeass apologies ever again. 'i'm sorry' only works when you mean it. and she doesn't. she never has. she probably never will. self-righteous assholes do not feel remorse, because to do so one would have to admit that they are fallible, which negates the concept of a self-righteous asshole. she had the nerve to mumble the words 'dumb bitch' under her breath as i walked away. i turned around and said, 'dumb bitch? really? im 18, i've never been married, i'm not a mom, i graduated high school, and im preparing to go to college, and i'm the dumb bitch in this situation? accurate observation.' that conversation did not end on a peaceful note. she just put the girls in a double stroller and started walking down baseline towards ft.king. she started it, like she always does. and for once, i didn't roll over and take it like a bitch. for once, i stood up for myself. so i shouldn't feel guilty, right? but i do. (Comment on this)
Sunday, August 10th, 2008
5:48 am	i feel you, hannah. this town is cause for one giant emotion rollercoaster. my life has become such a mindfuck as of late. so tonight after i left the capitol, i received a text from bailey saying that i was in lots of trouble for not saying goodbye to daniel. i texted him to apologize, and somewhere in the conversation, he guilted me into coming back to the capitol to keep him company while he did paper work. this was at one o clock in the morning. i got there, and we talked for awhile he worked. he decided that he was bored with numbers, so we sat in the game loft and talked...which quickly turned into to tickle fighting, which he excels at, by the way. i got home about half an hour ago. it's six o clock on the morning. (Comment on this)